Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) 1983

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a lawyer. It's what I've always written on those 'who do you want to be when you grow up' essays back in school. If that won't work out, I wanted to be a chef. When it was time to choose a course for college, I picked Philosophy in preparation for law school. I was twenty when I graduated from uni and immediately went to Manila to look for work. My family was going through a very rough time and we were breaking apart. In truth, I wanted to get away and be independent, despite my guilt of leaving my two younger brothers behind. It was selfish and it still weighs on my conscience. Anyway, I worked in the BPO industry for three years then media intelligence for another four years. Seven years since I've started working, I haven't saved a dime, invested in my financial security or further my studies. My desire to be a lawyer diminished since I graduated from college. I was too lazy to achieve anything. The truth is I could have done more for myself in the last seven years, but I didn't. I was in my comfort zone, earning my monthly wage, buying the food and clothes I wanted to buy. I didn't want to exert effort or go through any hardships. I'm now nearing my thirties and I'm starting to panic. More than gaining financial security, what did I really want to do for the rest of my life?

Some people are certain about their dreams and the path they're going to take from a young age. I thought I was too. When you're young, life is full of possibilities. We're only limited by the things we think we can't achieve. When you're older, you understand that often, life gets in the way of dreams. But more than that, we have to realise too that dreams don't solely belong to the youth. Life does not end at 25. Believe that nothing is ever too late, that you are never too old to start over. When I find myself regretting wasting my time and losing my self-worth, I think about that.

When I look at my peers and my comparing mind starts to fester, I think about the fact that people have their own struggles, regret, triumphs and dreams. I always believed that the least I could do is to give myself hope, hope that I, too, can reach the place I imagined for myself. I may not know when, but I know I have to push myself to take the first steps and to avoid drowning in my own fears and failures.

I didn't become a lawyer or a chef, I'm nowhere near the level of success I've imagined for myself. But my life is not over. In fact, if you asked my 96yo grandma, she'll say my life is just starting.