Love and Failure

Some people feel there is no one in this world who would love and care for them, and this makes them miserable. The truth is there are many people in this world who can love us if we just accept them and let them into our hearts. At least, this is what I want to believe. It is easier to think the worst of people and their motives as this leaves no room for expectations and disappointments. And even then, we're still left disappointed and bitter sometimes.

Every time I find myself falling for someone, there are usually no butterflies. Just a strong feeling that my beating heart is on the chopping board getting julienned, and my brain saying 'ayan ka na naman!' with a sarcastic, unhelpful laugh. I've always been pessimistic and masochistic when it comes to any romance involving me. What's exciting for me is not the thought that the romance would last, but betting on how long it will last, how it will end, and how should I feel when it finally ends. With this kind of unhealthy mindset, it's ironic that I'm impatient about finding the one.

The big questions for those searching for the elusive happiness and love are when and how can they trust the people who tell them they'll love and cherish them forever, or can they even trust these words at all. Even marriages fail and nothing is guaranteed. I would always ask myself if I am ready to take the leap, to make the bet? Am I ready mentally, emotionally, and physically for the possible rejection and unhappy ending if I stick out my neck and offer my heart on the chopping board? The answers would not always be yes, but sometimes, I take the leap nevertheless. The prospect of love and happiness is so delicious and seemingly within my grasp, and I can't resist it. The prospect of having someone to dispel their loneliness makes people desperate. Admittedly, I have my moments of desperation.

One of the things that keep me sane after every failed romance and relationship, aside from my loyal friends who are willing to listen to my rants and pity talk, is my stubborn determination to learn from those experiences. The downside is I get cynical with every failure, and I go back to the issue of trusting people. If you think about it, it's a miserable cycle, really.

Then finally after all the painful process of love and failure, we sort to indifference, or go back to our shells and never come out again. Or so we thought. The reality is we'll always be willing to take the leap whenever we meet people who we think might be worth it, people who might make our every pain and failure make sense. And some people get lucky too! This is what we hold on to when we take the risk of loving another person — the thought that our turn of happiness might be here at last. Hope is something we really mustn't lose if we are to keep going with this crazy life.